I have been working on how to formulate my question. It comes from an innocent place, but I am notorious for being so blunt and straight forward that people think I'm being offensive... just today my daughter asked me twice if I was being serious or sarcastic! hahaha... anyway... Please receive this question in the spirit of inquiry and kindness that it is intended:
How you do reconcile the different feelings of being a first mother along with being an adoptive mom? Does your son, that you relinquished, have an feelings about your adoption? Positive? negative? I see that you maintain a friendship with your adopted son's (adjectives just to keep straight who I"m talking about) first mother... How does your previous experience inform your current one?
I'm very interested in your story and how you have navigated the bumpy road!"
HI Doll! I am always open to questions. I have a very different relationship with adoption than most. And I feel blessed to be able to discuss my feeling about it.
First I want to say that my road through adoption started nearly 23 years ago. I was only 13 when I placed my son. I did not want to, I wanted to parent him and love him. But, as an extremely young woman, I knew that was not a good idea. He deserved more, not just from a mother and father, but from ME.
Over the years I have struggled deeply with the relinquishment of my son. I still cry from time time, now its not because he is not with me, more of the loss of years. I have had a lot of counselling and met so many amazing people over the years who have helped me reconcile my feelings.
When I was asked to adopt my youngest son, I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness. I was not completely sure if this was a task I wanted. But I knew I would be a pretty good mother to an adopted child. I just wanted to be sure I was being selfless when I entered into the marriage of open adoption. I think Ashe chose me because I am a Firstmom. (Her family is close with my best friends family, I was not with an agency or even looking to adopt)
One of the people I spoke with first about adopting Peyton, was my oldest, Chris. I asked him if an adoption would be hard for him and if being adopted was too much to bear for a child. He was ecstatic about it. Chris loved the idea of being a big brother (again) and he said they would always have that in common and he could guide him when Peyton needed a little help. Chris loves his little brother, and I never would have adopted Peyton if Chris had negative feeling toward the process.
My friendship with Ashe, Peyton's Firstmom, is more than a friendship. We joke sometimes that we co-parent, and in a way we do. We are incredlibly close and I share everything about Peytons life with her. Skinned knees, illness, happy times, acheivements...you name it she is there every step of the way.
Does my being a Firstmom impact how I parent peyton within our adoption,,,,,,,,yes, I have to say it does. Well, not so much how I parent, but how I share his life with Ashe....absolutley. I would have given anything to watch my son grow up......it is the least I can do for Ashe and Peyton.
You see, I look at open adoption as a marriage between families and it is something you cannot enter into lightly, or with the thought of "In a few months, we can just forget them"
I love the wonderful woman who made our son and who trusted me enough to raise him as my own. She completed my heart. So it is my job, to keep hers as complete as I can.