Friday, March 11, 2011

Positive Factor

I am a member of an online group that feels totally anti-adoption. The reason I joined is because it is a group for First Mothers. But since I have been reading posts within this group, I feel like my being there and posting is not really welcome. I feel like because I don't have BAD adoption experiences I am not a real member.  Maybe it is just me...I have no idea!
The bitterness within the group makes me very sad. I feel as though we all made the same decision and we are or were all in the same boat.
I understand that not all adoption stories end as mine did with Chris. Not all stories of infertility end with the perfect open adoption of a sweet angel either. I GET IT!
I just wish that some of the women who post negativity about adoption would go to counseling. I think they are angry at themselves for placing....we all don't be mad at my sunshiny outlook!
At some point you have to get passed that and deal with creating a place for your child to come back to.
I feel that if you are so angry about placing your child or how the adoptive parents have treated you within your adoption, that anger will follow you through your reunion. You should find some peace....somehow. Find something positive to focus on. I did that by focusing on the fact that my son was ALIVE! He was breathing and I created him. That was my positive factor within my 1st adoption story.

Monday, March 7, 2011

A Question From A CafeMom Adoption Forum

"Hi Sweetmemories!
I have been working on how to formulate my question. It comes from an innocent place, but I am notorious for being so blunt and straight forward that people think I'm being offensive... just today my daughter asked me twice if I was being serious or sarcastic! hahaha... anyway... Please receive this question in the spirit of inquiry and kindness that it is intended:
How you do reconcile the different feelings of being a first mother along with being an adoptive mom? Does your son, that you relinquished, have an feelings about your adoption? Positive? negative? I see that you maintain a friendship with your adopted son's (adjectives just to keep straight who I"m talking about) first mother... How does your previous experience inform your current one?
I'm very interested in your story and how you have navigated the bumpy road!"

My Response:
HI Doll! I am always open to questions. I have a very different relationship with adoption than most. And I feel blessed to be able to discuss my feeling about it.
First I want to say that my road through adoption started nearly 23 years ago. I was only 13 when I placed my son. I did not want to, I wanted to parent him and love him. But, as an extremely young woman, I knew that was not a good idea. He deserved more, not just from a mother and father, but from ME.
Over the years I have struggled deeply with the relinquishment of my son. I still cry from time time, now its not because he is not with me, more of the loss of years. I have had a lot of counselling and met so many amazing people over the years who have helped me reconcile my feelings.

When I was asked to adopt my youngest son, I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness. I was not completely sure if this was a task I wanted. But I knew I would be a pretty good mother to an adopted child. I just wanted to be sure I was being selfless when I entered into the marriage of open adoption. I think Ashe chose me because I am a Firstmom. (Her family is close with my best friends family, I was not with an agency or even looking to adopt)

One of the people I spoke with first about adopting Peyton, was my oldest, Chris. I asked him if an adoption would be hard for him and if being adopted was too much to bear for a child. He was ecstatic about it. Chris loved the idea of being a big brother (again) and he said they would always have that in common and he could guide him when Peyton needed a little help. Chris loves his little brother, and I never would have adopted Peyton if Chris had negative feeling toward the process.

My friendship with Ashe, Peyton's Firstmom, is more than a friendship. We joke sometimes that we co-parent, and in a way we do. We are incredlibly close and I share everything about Peytons life with her. Skinned knees, illness, happy times, name it she is there every step of the way.

Does my being a Firstmom impact how I parent peyton within our adoption,,,,,,,,yes, I have to say it does. Well, not so much how I parent, but how I share his life with Ashe....absolutley. I would have given anything to watch my son grow is the least I can do for Ashe and Peyton.

You see, I look at open adoption as a marriage between families and it is something you cannot enter into lightly, or with the thought of "In a few months, we can just forget them"
I love the wonderful woman who made our son and  who trusted me enough to raise him as my own. She completed my heart. So it is my job, to keep hers as complete as I can.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


My name is Ashelei, and I am the birthmom to Peyton. Kacy and I have an amazingly open adoption. I even had the opportunity to spend 4 amazing days with Peyton in his own home. It was amazing to watch him in his home, with his mom and dad. The best part was I didnt feel like I was missing out because I "placed" Peyton. I have always been apart of Peyton's life since the day we were released from the hospital. Kacy has done a very good job keeping me posted on Peytons milestones, whether it was his first step, his first smile, his well-child exams, or him not liking certain foods. I felt very blessed and comfortable with my decision and having the opportunity to spend 4 days with him made me realize how much Peyton is truly loved by all.

I hope that by putting our story out there, will show one woman out there who is considering adoption, that they are making the right choice.

Enough for tonight.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Today I left the Birthmom group of Cafemom..............

I created a new Cafemom account after not being a member for over 2 years. This was 2 weeks ago. Since then, I have read so much negativity from the Adoption group and the Birthmom Group. Geez....Is anyone ever positive when it come to adoption anymore?
It really bothers me. As a two triad member of the adoption club I can say that adoption can work. YES it HURTS sometimes. And not every adoption story is perfect like mine. But they cant all be negative!
I am quite sad about not being on the Birthmom forum anymore. Several years ago I posted there almost everyday. I really loved to talk to moms about their  (our) loss. Trying to make a difference in their lives and hope they could find resolution within positive thinking. Being negative about placing your child will not make it will make it worse.
Anyway...just feeling sad that my positive nature is not really wanted in the Cafemom world! Maybe they will all read our book when it is done. Then we can make a difference!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

For The Love Of The Same Boy

According to Wikipedia

Open adoption

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Open adoption is an adoption in which the natural mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the Parental Rights of natural parents' are terminated, as they are in "closed adoptions" and the adoptive parents become the legal parents.
Adoptive parents and natural parents may agree on various arrangements of contact between the child and natural parents, however these agreements are not usually legally binding after Parental Rights have been severed. Most"open" adoptions (80%) close within 3 months of the adoption finalizing in court by the adopters.[1] In some jurisdictions, the natural and adoptive parents may enter into a binding agreement concerning visitation, exchange of information, or other interaction regarding the child.[2] As of February 2009, 24 U.S. states had provisions for these agreements to be legally enforceable contracts included in the finalization of an adoption.[3] Far more common are informal agreements, which may change over time as each set of parents' lives progress.[citation needed] As legal guardians, the adoptive parents are responsible for implementing any contact arrangements and hold final decision-making authority over contact.
Open adoption is distinct from open records. Even in adoptions where all parties know the identities of one another, birth and adoption records remain sealed in those jurisdictions where that is the law regarding adoption.


 History of openness in adoption

A closed adopton is an adoption in which the parties involved do not know the identities of each other. Closed and secret records reassured adoptive parents from the fear of returning natural parents. The social stigma of unmarried mothers, particularly during the BSE (Baby Scoop Era) l945-1975 rendered "unwed mothers" social outcasts. In a mother driven society after WWII infertile couples were also seen as deviant due to their inability to bear children. The social experiment of taking the children from "unmarried mothers" and "giving them" to adoptive parents became the norm during the BSE. These adoptions were predominantly closed. The records were sealed, natural mothers were told to keep their child a secret, and adoptive parents told to treat the child "as if born to".[4][5]
By the 1980s, as the social stigma slowly decreased with Abortion Laws and ready access to birth control, domestic adoption decreased dramatically. The adoption industry needed an incentive to entice mothers to surrender their children for adoption, and "Open Adoption" was created. The fact that 80% of Open Adoptions close early after the birth of a child, is not readily given to mothers of adoption separation before Consents are signed.
Although open adoptions are thought to be a relatively new phenomenon, in fact most adoptions in the United States were open until the twentieth century. Until the 1930s, most adoptive parents and biological parents had contact at least during the adoption process.[6] In many cases, adoption was seen as a social support: young children were adopted out not only to help their parents (by reducing the number of children they had to support) but also to help another family by providing an apprentice.
Adoptions became closed when social pressures mandated that families preserve the myth that they were formed biologically. One researcher has referred to these families, that made every attempt to match the child physically to their adoptive families, as 'as if' families.[7][8] Other degrees of openness
An adoption where the adoptive and natural parents do not become aware of each others' identities and where only medical and historical information is given to the adoptive parents is known as a closed adoption. In a semi-open adoption, the biological parents may meet the adoptive parents one or several times and then sever contact. Non-identifying letters and pictures may be exchanged directly or via a third party, such as an adoption agency, throughout the years.[9]

Access to birth records

In nearly all US states, adoption records are sealed and withheld from public inspection after the adoption is finalized. Most states have instituted procedures by which parties to an adoption may obtain non-identifying and identifying information from an adoption record while still protecting the interests of all parties. Non-identifying information includes the date and place of the adoptee's birth; age, race, ethnicity, religion, medical history, physical description, education, occupation of the natural parents; reason for placing the child for adoption; and the existence of natural siblings.
All states allow an adoptive parents access to nonidentifying information of an adoptee who is still a minor. Nearly all states allow the adoptee, upon reaching adulthood, access to non-identifying information about their relatives. Approximately 27 states allow natural parents access to non-identifying information. In addition, many states give such access to adult siblings.
Identifying information is any data that may lead to the positive identification of an adoptee, natural parents, or other relatives. Nearly all states permit the release of identifying information when the person whose information is sought has consented to the release. Many states ask natural parents to specify at the time of consent or surrender whether they are willing to have their identity disclosed to the adoptee when he or she is age 18 or 21.5. If consent is not on file, the information may not be released without a court order documenting good cause to release the information. A person seeking a court order must be able to demonstrate by clear and convincing evidence that there is a compelling reason for disclosure that outweighs maintaining the confidentiality of a party to an adoption.[10] In Alabama, Alaska, Delaware, Kansas, New Hampshire, and Oregon, there is no requirement to document good cause in order to access their birth certificates.[11][12][13][14] Some groups, such as Bastard Nation, One Voice,[15] and Origins USA,[16] campaign for adoptees' automatic access to birth certificates in other US states.
At age 18, people adopted in the United Kingdom, Australia, Europe and in several provinces in Canada are automatically entitled to their birth certificates and may access their adoption records.[11]

 See also


  1. ^ (PDF) Openness in Adoption, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children’s Bureau, 2003, 
  2. ^ Postadoption Contact Agreements Between Birth and Adoptive Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children’s Bureau, 2005, 
  3. ^ Postadoption Contact Agreements Between Birth and Adoptive Families: Summary of State Laws, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children's Bureau, 2009, 
  4. ^ History of Adoption: Closed Adoption, National Adoption Center,, retrieved 2008-05-02 
  5. ^ Closed Adoption, SharedJourney,, retrieved 2008-05-02 
  6. ^ Adamec & Pierce, 1991
  7. ^ Yngvesson, Barbara (Spring 2003), "Going 'Home': Adoption, Loss of Bearings, and the Mythology of Roots", Social Text - 74 (Duke University Press) 21 (1): 7–27 
  8. ^ Yngvesson, Barbara (Spring 2007), "Refiguring Kinship in the Space of Adoption", Anthropological Quarterly (George Washington University Institute for Ethnographic Research) 80 (2): 561–579, doi:10.1353/anq.2007.0036 
  9. ^ American Pregnancy Association
  10. ^ Access to Adoption Records, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children’s Bureau, 2006, 
  11. ^ a b Retrieved 29th February 2008
  12. ^ Accessed: 2nd March 2008
  13. ^ Accessed: 2nd March 2008
  14. ^ Accessed: 2nd March 2008
  15. ^ One Voice, No Secrets Available: Accessed: 27th April 2008.
  16. ^ Origins USA position papers Available: Accessed: 27th April 2008.

External links

Ashelei and I are in this together no matter what! We both love the same boy in the same way. Ashe is Peyton's Birthmother and I am Peyton's Adoptive Mother.

Ashelei and I are in this together no matter what! We both love the same boy in the same way. Ashe is Peyton's Birthmother and I am Peyton's Adoptive Mother.
We work together to create a loving, open adoption for Peyton.
Currently, we are in the process of writing a how to guide for  open adoption, whether you are already in an open adoption or considering open adoption.
It is a life long commitment to the child, birthparents and adoptive parents.
If you would like to share your story, please feel free to email it to me at
(your story will not be published....used for our reseasrch purposes only)